Tuesday, September 28, 2021

Screaming for help... and no one is listening.

This may seem like a rant, and it is. I have taken an ambien for some peace and sleep and hope to type this before the meds kick in. It will likely become less coherent and more disjointed the more I type.

I have zero intention of purposefully hurting myself or anyone else.

My life is hell. I have cuts and bruises on my arms from my son attacking me.

18 months ago I had a bruised rib from where he kicked me. I was in pan for weeks. I have had bruised ribs before, I am familiar with the pain.

My home, that I rent, has dozens of holes in the walls from damage my twins have done. Mostly from him but a bit from her.

My son goes into meltdowns that are uncontrollable. He kicks, screams, throws thing, attacks his sisters and his mother. He does all this while staring at me, goading me on... daring me to get involved.

He is 17, I am 46, he is an inch taller that I but I have probably 40-50 pounds on him.

Earlier this summer during one of his rages I broke his arm while trying to restrain him, At the hospital I was paraded around in shame showing my sons broken arm and my bloody arms.

Once the hospital got the full story and saw him acting out they began to understand.

CPS showed up at the house 3 days later. We made an effort to clean the house from the hell hole it is, the CPS lady was nice and examined my arms and the walls and had the attitude that I did the right thing, it was not malice, it was self defense from him.

He was calm for a few weeks, then he had another episode, His arm got broken again. This time the hospital xray showed nothing wrong so they sent us on our way. I knew something was still wrong and when we took him to his apointment for the first broken arm they confirmed it was broken again, but in a new place.

The worlds worst shame comes from hurting your own children. I feel that shame every day, but I do not hide from it; I did it, I am accountable, it is my responsibility

The last three days he has has an incident per night. My arem are covered in scratches, abrasions, and scars. I am the only one who can pin him down and try and keep him from damaging our home or hurting those that live here

He has had to have his classroom evacualted and had to be restrained at school. I dont have much more detiail than that

The bride does next to nothing... she goes in and tries but he attacks her and pulls her to the ground by her hair, him staring at me the whole time. it is almost like he is trying to prove he is the alpha dog

We meet with doctors reguarly, they medicate him and it vaguely works. Yesterday the doctor asks if he is hurting himself or others and the bride says no before I can answer, i interject and talk about my hand, my arms, and my rib. The bride scoff and says it wasnt that bad; I could barely breath for a month, my hand was swollen and it took a week to get the ring I wore on the finger off.

The bride does nothing. Sometimes if i remind her she will cook a meal, she never cleans anything unless worried CPS is coming back over, even then only what they would see.

My oldest is 18 and sort of helps. I hired her to be the cleaning lady for the summer. I listed out her chores and duties and even put out a schedule. She ignores it unless I say something then gets mad at me or cries for making her work. Her mother doesn't tell her to do it unless I remind the mother, then it turns into an argument between them on how to do it. Bride has no idea how to clean so I have been doing 90% for the last 20 years, which means I have to be the one to show my oldest the proper way to clean dishes.

My home is infested with rats...lots of them. My backyards is so bad they are coming from there, I know this. I am too exhausted to get to the back yard.

Doctors for the kids do nothing but provide more meds, which barely work. I try to keep track of all of them but the bride keeps it close to the chest; I ask her to write it down in a spreadsheet and I am ignored.

I am in therapy but the biggest thing I need t do is get out of the house and do something for me... but... between covid ad the twins freaking out every day I am trapped here. That is part of why I cant take care of the yard.

I make very good money now, my annual is now over $200k. Then the fridge broke, then the dishwsher a week later, the oven is dead, the microwave is going.

We went 3 years without AC in texas heat. I managed to get a service to take pity on me and replace the entire HVAC unit for free, that is the most positive thing that happend inthe last coupe of years,

The hospitals wont help, the insurance wont help, the doctors wont help, the bride wont help, my oldest wont help

My friends want to help, but they dont know how. I am ashamed to have them in my home because of the condition and the smell. My friends are awesome, they really are, they truly want to help, but what can they really do?

Shame... it has all come down to shame. I am accountable, I can take responsibility and show where I went wrong to get to this place. I built my self up to be a tower of good. I am honest, accountable, loyal, and fair. Why do I have to feel shame when I work hard at being a good person.

My parents say to pray...they say they pray for me every day. I asked them to stop, thier prayers were obviously making it worse. That did not go over well.

I need help for my children. I can eventually heal myself and get my mind straight. but I cannot take care of basically 2 invalids and 2 deadbeats and work a full time job

I am exhausted, I am at wits end.

"That which must be endured, can be endured" --Ghandi (I think)